Monster - Chapter 58

Chapter 58: Why Should I Break Down?

Lin Sandie lay with her eyes open, staring at the ceiling of her room. Although her body felt exhausted, her mind was still in a state of anxiety and tension from the funeral of the past two days and the many events of the preceding months. Now, it seemed many things were finished—including her "breakup" with Yan Ting and laying her deceased father and stepmother to rest—but she found herself unable to sleep.

She hadn't forgotten what Yan Ting had said: after she presented her "certificate of honor," the higher-ups wanted to assign her to Disorder Land. She worried about what she would have to face next. At the same time, the whereabouts of her brother, Lin Youceng, who had turned into a monster, remained unknown.

Turning her head, Lin Sandie saw Lou lying beside her on her stomach, flipping through her photo album.

Lin Sandie's townhouse only had four rooms. One guest room was occupied by Wang Lirou, and Lou didn't want to stay in the master bedroom or Lin Youceng's room, so for the past two days, she had been sleeping in the same room as Lin Sandie.

The album Lou was looking at mostly contained photos of Lin Sandie as a child with her parents. Her upturned feet gently kicked the thin blanket beneath her. The soft, dim yellow light illuminated her face, giving her a carefree appearance. She possessed a sense of relaxation and ease that Lin Sandie had never known as an adult.

At times, Lin Sandie truly envied this side of Lou.

Noticing Lin Sandie watching her, Lou looked up and smiled. She rolled over to lie side-by-side with Lin Sandie, holding up the album for them to look at together. "I noticed that after your mother passed away, there are almost no photos of you. They're all from when you were very little. I want this picture of you holding the rabbit doll, can I have it?"

The photo Lou pointed to was taken when Lin Sandie was three years old. She was sitting on a stone step beneath a doorframe, her soft, ear-length hair clinging to her head, and she was hugging a fluffy brown rabbit doll, grinning happily.

"You can," Lin Sandie said with a glance, agreeing to Lou's request.

Lou immediately pulled the photo out and put it in her space bag. Then, she flipped a few more pages and said, "And this one. Your mom is kissing you."

The next one she pointed to was from the same series as the photo Lin Sandie carried with her. A two-year-old Lin Sandie was being held by Zhao Zhi, her lips puckered as if about to cry, while her mother turned her head to kiss her chubby little cheek.

"You can."

"Oh, and..."

"No more," Lin Sandie said, feeling that Lou really knew how to push her luck.

"Alright then." Lou pulled out the second photo and placed it in her space bag.

"Nine out, thirteen back," Lin Sandie said.

"!?" Lou rolled over, propping herself up on her elbows to look at Lin Sandie in shock.

Lin Sandie extended a hand toward Lou with a deadpan expression, signaling for her to "pay up."

"Have some decency, will you? We're a mom and dad now. Is it right to be so petty?" Lou protested. She and Lin Sandie had currently formed a "family," and what kind of parents kept such meticulous accounts with each other?

"Even brothers settle their accounts clearly. Besides, we're just playing house. It's not real," Lin Sandie said coldly from her lying position.

"..." Lou was silent for a moment before sitting up. "Fine. Do you want me to teach you 'Shielding'?"

"What's that?"

"It lets you not see those monsters, even without your glasses." Lou grabbed Lin Sandie's still-outstretched hand.

"How?" Lin Sandie sat up, interested, and faced Lou.

Lou pulled Lin Sandie's hands and placed them on her own knees. The two of them looked like mirror images. "Before we start, I have to ask you a question," Lou said. "Lin Sandie, what do you consider your most ideal state of being?"

Lin Sandie looked into Lou's eyes, thought for a moment, and replied, "To have a convenient and refined life, a job with little work and high pay, my family alive and well, and a partner I can connect with who respects me."

"That's so boring... Are you sure that's your most ideal state?"

Lou's question made Lin Sandie hesitate. Could she really say that she wanted to be free, to go wherever she pleased and stop whenever she wanted? Could she be like Lou? As unrestrained and wild as the wind?

"Does this have anything to do with you teaching me 'Shielding'?" Lin Sandie was starting to lose her patience on this point.

"Because Sentinels and Guides often travel to various Tower Worlds, and those worlds are chaotic and twisted. We're like a small boat facing all sorts of storms, so we must first set an anchor to stabilize ourselves—in other words, establish a foundation for the self. This helps us find our way back when we get lost. And the foundation of the self isn't built on external things. Everything you just mentioned is external. That can't be called an anchor."

"I don't think you understand yourself, Lin Sandie. Or perhaps you're unwilling to face your true self?" Lou spoke eloquently, like a serious adult. "Lin Sandie, do you realize you own a magnificent palace, yet you're content living in a dark, damp basement? Is it because you don't believe that palace belongs to you?"

Lin Sandie watched Lou talk on and on. She looked exactly the same as her, yet possessed a radiance she herself had never had. She couldn't resist reaching out to pinch Lou's cheek, her words carrying a hint of a smile she didn't even notice. "I never knew that besides being an unreasonable pest, you could also be so sharp-tongued."

Lou smiled, not at all angry. Her temper was always good when it came to Lin Sandie. "The Shielding I was talking about is the door to your palace. You are the master of that palace. You can shut the door whenever you want, keeping out everything you don't want to see, don't want to hear, and anything that disturbs you."

Taking Lin Sandie's hand, Lou once again held it on her knee. "'Shielding' isn't about imagination; it's about will. So now, let's start by dissecting your situation."

"My situation?" Dissecting was a rather impolite word, Lin Sandie thought, but she didn't resist.

"Lin Sandie," Lou called her name with a smile, placing the pads of her thumbs in the other's palms. "I imagine that in all the years you've been alive, the thing you resent the most is Yan Ting's control over you, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"I saw that you bought a lot of specialized bacteria for processing kitchen waste, but you always sort your garbage for disposal. Were you planning to use it on Yan Ting?"

"Yes. But your appearance ruined all my plans." Lin Sandie kept her gaze fixed on Lou's eyes. Although she spoke these words, her light-colored irises held no killing intent, only a madness bound by layer upon layer of restraint.

Lou wasn't the least bit intimidated and continued to ask with a smile, "You've faced so much oppression and unfair treatment. Why have you been able to maintain your sense of self without falling into depravity? Why haven't you broken down and committed suicide? Why do you still resist? Forgive me for being blunt, but if anyone else had faced such a suffocating atmosphere for so long, they would most likely have chosen to end their own life to be done with it all, or they would have become the same kind of person as Yan Ting. Yet you show no such inclination."

"Why should I break down?" Lin Sandie's brow furrowed.

"Why not?" The corners of Lou's mouth lifted. She liked Lin Sandie's answer. Though she looked like a piece of porcelain that would shatter at a touch, she was, in fact, invincibly strong. This unyielding and principled Lin Sandie was very charming.

"Yan Ting has her own set of values. She wouldn't feel guilty if I broke down; she would only think it was my problem. If I chose to give up on myself because of her actions, wouldn't that be a tacit way of forgiving the evil she did to me?" Lin Sandie's tone was calm but concealed an incredibly firm resolve. "I will never, ever forgive what she did. That's why I won't break down, and I won't commit suicide. I will live well. She must pay the price for her actions. I will make her understand that she was wrong, no matter how long it takes."

Even if it meant her physical destruction, she had to be made to realize her mistake.

"Then at that final moment, did you still feel any love for her?" Lou's question was sharp, as if she truly intended to cut open Lin Sandie's heart.

"No." Lin Sandie was like a bedrock. "My love is conditional. It's fragile; if not properly nurtured, it withers quickly. I love myself more than I love anyone else. I used to think love was very important to me, but my experiences over these years have made me realize it's not that important after all. It's not that I don't believe in love, but it comes after my own interests. I've long since calmly accepted this cold side of myself."

Lou stared at Lin Sandie without blinking. Perhaps some vague, distant memory surfaced, creating the illusion that a black mist was emanating from Lin Sandie's body.

Lou quickly came back to her senses and said with a smile, "You're so proud, Lin Sandie~"

"Then why were you trying to get yourself killed?" Lin Sandie asked. "Why did you deliberately provoke Yan Ting and almost get strangled to death by her?"

"I wasn't provoking her. I was just very irritated."

"Huh?"

"Because facing Yan Ting made me feel very irritated, and I had run out of patience. I wasn't trying to get myself killed. It's just that I had always been too compliant with her in the past, which is why she found it so unbearable. Besides, monsters are impulsive by nature."

"So you lose your patience too, huh?" Lin Sandie remarked. Lou smiled and released Lin Sandie's hands. "Alright, the 'door' is now closed for you."

"How did you do that?" Lin Sandie felt as though they had just been chatting; she hadn't noticed any change in her body or mind.

"You'll experience it soon enough. What I just did was guide you, helping you to better understand your own will. Lin Sandie, you must believe that you, too, can live in the finest palace in the world. I just integrated that will of yours with your spirit. It sounds rather abstract, I know, but from now on, you won't be able to return to your previous, muddled state. This desire to resist oppression will become increasingly clear in your consciousness, and you will be able to control your spirit more deliberately."

"...It certainly is abstract." But after hearing Lou's words, Lin Sandie felt somewhat moved.

"Time for sleep. Your mental state is terrible." Lou lay down again, smiling as she pulled Lin Sandie's uninjured left arm under her head for a pillow.

Lin Sandie had no choice but to lie down as well, letting Lou rest her head on her arm.

"Lin Sandie, you smell really good." Lou brought her nose close to Lin Sandie's neck, her breath warming the skin there, which made Lin Sandie's own breathing turn cautious.

"I'm not wearing any perfume today," Lin Sandie said, stating the obvious.

"It's not that kind of perfume scent. But, Lin Sandie, I think you should look more at the truth of this world."

"Why?" Lin Sandie didn't like looking at those monsters. Aside from their terrifying appearance, she also found them twisted and chaotic, and Lin Sandie disliked chaos. She liked everything to be clean, tidy, and orderly.

"Because seeing them clearly is the only way for you to make correct judgments—about their expressions, for instance, or their forms."

"You can tell the difference between those monsters just by looking at them?"

"I can."

"You're very brave." Lin Sandie recalled the honey-trap case Xing Meilu had told her about.

"You're very brave too, Lin Sandie." Lou nuzzled her head against Lin Sandie's neck.

"...You said before that I should think about the path ahead." Lin Sandie caught the scent of shampoo from Lou's hair. It was the same shampoo she used herself, but for some reason, it smelled slightly different on Lou.

"Have you figured out what you want to do?" Lou's gentle voice murmured, echoing softly in Lin Sandie's ear.

"Mhm," Lin Sandie said, suppressing her shyness and controlling her expression with immense willpower. Her voice was steady. "I checked the bank card Yan Ting gave me yesterday. There's a lot of money in it. I want to hand it all over to a trust company to manage. After that, the families of the people Yan Ting killed can receive some compensation in corresponding monthly amounts."

"You've been thinking about this the whole time?"

Sensing a chill from Lin Sandie's body, Lou pulled the thin blanket up over both of them.

"If they need a large sum of money, they can have it, but I don't think distributing all the money at once is necessarily a good thing. If they receive it monthly, their future lives will be secure. I need to look into the specific arrangements." Lin Sandie remembered that You Jian, the kitchen helper from her former company, had been an only child.

"Lin Sandie, you're an exceptionally good person."

"I still need to ask Officer Xing for the list of victims..." Lin Sandie pressed her lips together. The thought of those killed by Yan Ting sent a sharp pain through her heart. It was all her fault.

"Sleep, Lin Sandie. You can't keep feeling guilty about this... Don't let the guilt destroy you." Don't be like me.

"Thank you." Although she was still a little angry—Lou always set the pace of their interactions, leaving her in a passive role, and somehow they were now playing house, which had led to this bizarre dynamic—Lin Sandie was grateful to her.

Moreover, when she was with Lou, some things just seemed easier to say. It was probably because Lou was so unrestrained with her, saying whatever came to mind, that even if Lin Sandie said something out of line, Lou wouldn't think anything of it.

"You're welcome." At that, Lou became polite and courteous once more.

Lin Sandie's chin rested on top of Lou's head. She breathed in her familiar yet strange scent and allowed sleepiness to wash over her.

VerseVoyage