Monster - Chapter 57
Chapter 57: Meeting Without Recognition
Lou was stunned for a long while, not expecting Pie to actually appear. Finally, she offered a greeting. "Mom, it's been a long time."
"For me, it hasn't been long at all. I've just come from the first time I ever saw you, when you were just a little thing," said Pie, whose form of time was different from Lou's, her voice tinged with a smile.
After everyone in her tribe had died from smallpox, a wandering Lou had somehow found her way to a dilapidated temple. A lonely child, she saw a collapsed statue of a goddess and mistook the obsidian on its brow for an eye watching her. In the moonlight, its gentle glow made her wishfully regard the statue as her mother. The child just needed a little warmth, so she drew close to the cold stone, nestling in its embrace, just as she did in her only memories of being held by her mother, listening to a song that brought her peace.
Lou slowly leaned against the stone statue of the goddess, recalling those years, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly. "Mom, why did you appear by my side back then?"
"I had already foreseen my own fading and was in the process of closing off the worlds that had no believers." Pie's voice was always gentle. Though it lacked emotion, it was as tranquil as the moonlight, putting one at ease.
"Was it because I became your believer that you stayed in my world?" This was the first time Lou learned the reason for Pie's appearance in her life. A flicker of life finally returned to her once-dim eyes.
Pie didn't answer, but Lou felt that she was smiling down at her.
"Mom, I might fade away with you soon," Lou said, her expression and voice perfectly calm.
Tempered by countless years, Lou possessed a stillness that ordinary people lacked. She wasn't just someone who threw tantrums or acted thoughtlessly. Her strength came from a clear understanding of herself, of everything she was.
"Are you sure?" Pie asked, her voice unruffled.
"In recent years, I've found it harder and harder to break free when I become bedeviled. The things that trigger it are also increasing. My mind and body are both growing weaker," Lou analyzed the changes in herself with calm rationality. "The last time, my rabbit took a bullet for me. That's when I started to lose control. In reality, Little Rabbit is gone, and she didn't really take a bullet for me, but I've kept feeling that she's by my side."
Pie sighed softly. Even if she, the God of Time, bestowed a blessing upon a mortal, the curse of death still followed them like a shadow.
Gods were not omnipotent.
Lou continued in that same rational tone, "I think I've truly gone mad. For now, I can still react to my changes and correct myself immediately. But the deeper the bedeviled state becomes, there will come a day when I won't even know I've lost my mind. I might hurt innocent people then."
"Little Rabbit said she didn't like it when I hurt innocent people because of my willfulness." Lou gazed at the overlapping layers of dark green trees in the distance. She was currently in a space created by Pie, where only this god could hear what she said.
"So, what are you thinking?"
"After this mission is over, I should have enough points for the 'True Heart.' I want to offer my heart as a sacrifice to find where Little Rabbit is among the thousands of Tower Worlds. Even if she's in hell, the 'True Heart' will be able to sense her."
"But you will die."
"It doesn't matter. A bedeviled Sentinel who has gone mad has no reason to live anyway. After sacrificing my heart, I'll use an electronic heart as a temporary replacement and find a way to see Little Rabbit one last time. After all, I never knew what she truly looked like, and I still owe her an apology." Lou's words were calm and logical; she wasn't acting out of spite or boasting of her sacrifice. "After that, I will leave this world with you."
"Guides aren't as dependent on their partners as Sentinels are. Even if I die, Little Rabbit will have another life. Perhaps she already does. I won't rashly disturb her." Lou looked up at the void, a faint, indescribable hope in her eyes.
She hoped that wherever Little Rabbit was, whatever she was doing, she was living a good life—even if that life no longer included her. Because she had already caused her so, so much trouble.
After a long silence, an invisible hand gently rested on Lou's head.
"In that dream I used to have, Little Rabbit said she was waiting for me in the future. But I've walked so far I can barely go on, and that stupid rabbit is still nowhere to be found. She only knows how to lie to me," Lou grumbled, but it was more a sense of helpless resignation after despair.
"Every time she left, she'd say she'd be back soon, but she came back slower and slower. Sometimes months would pass without seeing her. She only ever knew how to coax and lie to me." Lou continued to ramble, like an old woman in her twilight years, recounting old grievances that she still couldn't let go of, even after so many years.
Pie listened in silence.
"Mom, can I ask you a question?" Lou came to her senses, realizing how rare Pie's presence was.
"If you're asking about Little Rabbit's identity or which world she's in, I cannot answer that right now." The gods of the Main World, by the design of a certain ancient god, were not omnipotent. They were also bound by "Thus Have I Heard." If she were to tell Lou the truth now, she would be ground to dust by "Thus Have I Heard" in a certain world. The greater the power, the greater the restriction by the rules.
Pie still had things to do; she couldn't lose her right to interfere in a certain world just yet.
"It's not about that." After all, Lou had already asked countless times. She knew that if Pie wasn't telling her, there must be a compelling reason.
"Ask, then."
"You once told me that saving someone who had died was very troublesome. Were you talking about saving me? If you hadn't sent Little Rabbit to my side back then, I would have died, right?"
"Yes."
"..." Lou was speechless for a long time. Her lips moved, wanting to ask Pie why she saved her. What trouble had she gone through? Was she okay? But in the end, she said nothing, because those questions had lost their meaning. Lou simply lowered her head, her expression dim. "I'm sorry I couldn't live on as you wished. But I will stay until the very last moment."
As soon as she finished speaking, a mist immediately welled up in Lou's eyes, and tears streamed down her face. Like a wronged child, she clutched her knees, completely at a loss.
"But, but I, must I..." Must I carry this guilt for Little Rabbit forever? Can't I even sacrifice my own heart? Can I really not see her one more time? Can I not even receive forgiveness before I go to my grave?
"You're becoming bedeviled again. Wake up," Pie called out to the tearful Lou. She was a Sentinel so strong that everyone feared her, yet she always broke down completely whenever that little rabbit was mentioned.
This was the plight every Sentinel who had lost their Guide had to face.
"Don't think about Little Rabbit for now, okay? Is that Lin Sandie someone you've recently taken a liking to?" Pie diverted Lou's attention.
"Mm..." Lou took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand.
"She seems like a very proper person. You're usually so flighty and difficult. She probably doesn't like that personality of yours, does she?" Pie teased her daughter like any ordinary parent.
"Is that so?" Lou blinked, having returned to her usual self. "I actually think Lin Sandie likes me a lot. She doesn't like to express herself, but she's actually a very adventurous and strong person. She said she had no choice but to go to the Disorder Land, but I think she also wants revenge. She won't let those people manipulate her as they please. And now that she has no ties left, she 'simply' sold herself to the bad guys. She's got such pride, you know."
"She sounds like a good person."
"Yeah, I really admire her. I always feel she's a bit like Little Rabbit. Little Rabbit might not have seemed tough, but she never yielded to anything. Even when she was bound to a stuffed doll, I felt she was incredibly reliable."
"I just told you not to think about Little Rabbit, and here you are talking about her again."
"Fine, fine. It doesn't matter if Lin Sandie doesn't like me. Love isn't something you can force. I'll just do my best. Anyway, I should just be myself, no matter when or where. Otherwise, what if Little Rabbit meets me and doesn't recognize me?"
Pie sighed faintly.
"Little Crow thinks Lin Sandie would make a good Guide. What do you think, Mom?" Seeing Pie sigh, Lou quickly steered the conversation away from Little Rabbit.
"If she can successfully leave this world, I will personally help her register."
"Whoa~ You think highly of Lin Sandie, too? Speaking of which, you asked me for a lot of points before. Are you raising other heirs behind my back?" Lou drew out her words, "questioning" Pie as if she were cheating on her, the mood so harmonious it was as if her earlier emotions had been an illusion.
"Yes, and she's probably more reliable than you," Pie's voice carried a rare hint of teasing laughter, though it remained perfectly serene.
"Hmph! Using my points to raise someone else!"
At that moment, the invisible hand wiped away the last of the tear stains on Lou's face.
"Then let me ask you, if Lin Sandie becomes a Guide, would you want her to be your permanently bound Guide?"
"Not before I see Little Rabbit again," Lou said slyly, a cunning smile playing on her lips.
She was still the same Lou everyone knew.
"Your Little Rabbit was right. It's best you stay just the way you are." Seeing Lou smile, Pie finally felt a little more at ease.
"Alright, I must go now. Go and comfort Lin Sandie. At this moment, she is more fragile than you and needs comfort more than you do."
"Mom, can I ask you one more question?"
"Mm."
"Here in Leviathan, has my language been translated? Why did someone say I have a southern Leviathan accent?"
"Your language in Leviathan has not been translated," Pie gave a definitive answer.
Lou felt as if a pause button had been pressed. A surge of wild joy welled up from the bottom of her heart. After all these years, had she finally gotten close to Little Rabbit's home?
Is Little Rabbit from this era? How old is she now? Has she been born? Or has she already grown old? Is Little Rabbit from the south of Leviathan? What does she look like?
"Mom, I will try my best not to be consumed by the bedeviled state," Lou replied to Pie.
"Finish the mission in Leviathan first, then do other things. My dear daughter." Pie's uncharacteristically earnest reminder surprised Lou slightly, but she nodded, promising that even if she were to search for traces of Little Rabbit in Leviathan, she would complete her mission first.
Pie had left. The illusion before her eyes had vanished. Lou stood alone in the setting sun, dazed for a long time. Only when her wildly beating heart had calmed, only when she felt she had returned to being the old Lou—not the Little Fool who belonged only to Little Rabbit—did she slowly walk over to Lin Sandie's side. She said nothing, just stood beside her, looking at the tombstone, though her gaze remained fixed on Zhao Zhi's photograph.
Little Rabbit is an adult woman from the south of Leviathan... Lou began to try hard to recall every little detail about Little Rabbit. But too much time had passed. Even the most deeply etched, sharpest memories would inevitably be worn down by the river of time, becoming like common pebbles that required careful examination to be identified.
Not to mention, Lou had been bedeviled over that rabbit for a long time, wishfully adding many characteristics to her in her imagination that Little Rabbit never possessed.
Lou made a resolution in her heart. Once she unlocked more of Leviathan's mysteries, once her many wondrous items became usable, the first thing she would do was use them to sketch out Little Rabbit's human features. Although she had done the same thing countless times before, she should be able to get more specific information if she was in Little Rabbit's homeland.
Just as Lou was lost in her boundless thoughts about Little Rabbit, Lin Sandie's hand suddenly and gently took hers.
Lou turned her head to look at her. She opened her mouth, then, remembering Wang Lirou's advice, cautiously closed it again. She squeezed Lin Sandie's cool hand in return, rubbing her knuckles with the pad of her thumb.
Lin Sandie let out a long breath.
"I like to have everything prepared before I do something. Plus, my mom passed away when I was very young, so I've thought about my parents leaving me before."
I never once thought that the people around me would leave me, Lou thought, looking down at Lin Sandie's hand held in her own, and answered subconsciously.
"Even though we weren't very close, it's still quite painful." Lin Sandie turned her head and gave Lou a smile that looked worse than tears.
When she returned home this time, she saw the layer of dust in her room and only then realized that when she wasn't home, her father and stepmother would still clean her room every day. Even if she came home unannounced, she could sleep in a clean and tidy room.
It was only now that Lin Sandie noticed all these details of how she was cared for.
She had imagined her parents leaving her, but she thought they would first grow old, then fall ill, and she would be exhausted from taking care of them. She had never imagined they would leave so simply, so suddenly. It cast a dark cloud over her heart, making it all feel unreal. It wasn't until she saw the bodies of her father, Lin Zhenshuo, and her stepmother, Wang Xia, lying side by side in their coffins that the reality began to sink in.
Her family was gone forever. She could never have any connection with them again, could never make their relationship better, could never see them again... All of this felt like a fishbone stuck in Lin Sandie's throat.
"Lin Sandie, life is just an accident. Death is the only certainty." Lou rested her head on Lin Sandie's shoulder, holding her hand tightly, her voice softening. "Don't be sad, Lin Sandie."
"Okay."
"No matter who dies, who leaves, we will soon be thrown back into a daily life that has nothing to do with the person who left. It's something none of us can help."
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